As requested…

here, ladies and gentleman, is an update!!!

ill give you time to get real excited.

…

i will probably be updating a lot over the next few days, cause i have the weekend off and everything, and i have a lot of things to talk about.

thing #1.

im pregnant. yes. it is very possible that ian and i got pregnant on our honeymoon.  about 2 weeks after we got married, i felt different. and thats when i knew. i was hoping it was just me being paranoid and i wanted to go get a test, but i still had about a week and a half before i would even be able to do a test. I spent that week and a half making jokes about the bun in my oven, hoping ease the anxiety in my mind. Ian was at work and i went to walmart by myself. looking at the wall of different tests, i already knew that didnt want one with the blue line. too confusing for me… so i got the fancy one for 17.99 that read “pregnant” or “not pregnant”.  how can you mess that up?

when it read “pregnant” i collapsed on the floor and cried hysterically. i was angry and scared and annoyed and angry and angry. this was NOT my plan! my plan was to wait 5 years or so, learn how to cook, travel a bit, and then have a baby. every scene i had dreamed up between then and the next 5 years had come crashing down with one stupid word.

so i took the second test. i messed it up on purpose just so it would read “not pregnant” and i would feel some kind of relief. my plan actually worked. so even though i told ian, and called my parents, and stomached their excitement, there still was a little part of me hoping the first test was a fluke and the second one was true. The next few weeks went by with nothing changing except my mood swings, sleep pattern, and over-dependence on febreeze “clean laundry” scented spray (which i carried with me everywhere i went).  The more symptoms of pregnancy i had, the angrier I became.

Then i tried to shut God out. I rebelled in my own stupid way. While Ian was in the dining room reading his Bible, id turn on “real housewives of o.c.” to drown out the flipping of the pages. I know God probably hates that show, and i watched it only to make Him mad. I took all of my praise cd’s and put them in the last slot of my cd visor in my car. the furthest away from me. my prayers were cold and went something like “i love you, but i really dont like you right now, so ill get right to the point. here are the people who need salvation…”

but everytime i got in my car after ian was in it, that same hillsong united cd would be in the cd player usually in the middle of “youll come”, and every day he would ask me to come read with him and when id make an excuse, he would share what he was reading about. I knew it was God speaking through him. i had been trying to harden my heart but He was still breaking it down. Because my husband is so strong in the Lord, I was not able to float away so easily.

Eventually I became ok with the idea. and now, 2 months later… im getting more excited. Im reading my Bible again, and have put my worship cds back into rotation. i love the book “your pregnancy week by week” and look forward to saturday, when i can skip to next weeks chapter. i bought a gender neutral outfit, and michelle got the baby a toy and bib. its becoming more real, and i just have to trust that God will use this time to prepare Ian and I for the journey ahead of us. But, He can only prepare me if im willing to trust Him, which is something I have to definitely work on.

im fearful, but glad. im glad i got stuck in the baby room all those times when i worked at the Y. Im glad I can change a diaper, and understand a feeding schedule.

Im scared about breast feeding. i heard it hurts. but i think its way too cool that God equipped us to do that, and i just cant bring myself to forgo it.

im scared that the baby is going to discover how upset i was about the news of his/her arrival.

im scared that a baby is going to make ian and i, a couple of carefree laughing dorks, become stiff and rigid and boring.

im scared that im gonna be fat.

im scared that im gonna do this whole mother thing all wrong and my kid is going to grow up resenting me and doing everything in their power not to become anything like me.

im very concerned bc im bringing this child into a world that is spiritually going down the tubes. its inevitable and obvious. im scared of the things he/she will go through. and i hope and pray that he/she loves the Lord and that Ian and I will be good teachers and examples.

I think that 10/20 is the due date. some kid is gonna be callin me momma forever.