Trust Issues

Its amazing how one bad experience with someone can scar you so much.  It has been about a year since ive gone through a really tough learning situation that has shattered my relationships with some, and heavily affected my relationship with God. When it all began, I remember telling a good friend that when you feel like you cant trust the body of Christ, a part of you doesnt trust Christ. How true this has been, and what a difficult lesson it is for me to learn. 

Many people have been burned by the church, and I now see how it makes you not even want to deal with “church people” anymore. I have been seriously struggling with that.  I have been going to a new church for a while, and STILL when i meet someone new, i know in the back of my mind that im not going to disclose much about myself, and im not going to get close with this person. Im trying to work through this, but it is so difficult. Being burned so badly by gossip and slander and “educated speculation” has been so hurtful and damaging for me. So I encourage anyone reading this, to think twice about what comes out of your mouth. ESPECIALLY if it involves another person. You will have to answer for it later, and the Bible tells us that gossip is a big deal in the eyes of the Lord. 

So in working through this,  I know what my problem is. Its that I try to get through these things by myself. I am not leaning completely on God to help me get rid of the resentfulness and bitterness that still lingers in my heart. Until very recently I have been trying to do it on my own. I would think I was doing well, but then I would hear another rumor that was spread about me, and Id be right back at square one with twice as much anger in me as before. This cycle continued for months before I gave it completely to God, and left it as His feet. (It is easy for me to put things at the foot of the cross, the difficult part for me is leaving it there. I cant tell you how many times ive tried to give this over to God unwilling to loosen my own grasp). And when I finally left it there, I literally felt lighter. And I saw more clearly, and my life fell together in a way only God could orchestrate. 

Then came the test. I was sooooo excited to be engaged to the man of my dreams. Circumstances and job opportunities called for us to get married sooner rather than later, which I was thrilled about. Then, I heard people (other Christians) believed I was pregnant. God knows how hard Ian and I have worked to keep a physically pure relationship, and that this is the most pure relationship I have ever been in in my life. I am in awe of the work the Lord has done through our relationship.  These rumors, if I heard them 3 months ago, would have sent me in to a sadness and anger unmatched by the previous.  This didnt happen this time. Someone actually had the courage to ask me directly if it was true, and while at first I was offended, I now have come to respect that he came to me while others were content in talking about it maliciously behind my back. It was through this that God showed me the progress I have made through Him.

And boy is progress being made! I am entertaining thoughts of being a part of leadership again at whatever church we end up in. Starting a smallgroup, improving on my guitar and possibly helping lead worship. It is something God is slowly but surely building back up in me.  I still have trust issues though. I find myself worrying myself to death about things I would have never worried about before.

For example, we need letters of employment verification in order to get the apartment we really want. It is the only thing keeping us from being able to sign the lease. We cant get the letters until our background checks come back. For some reason, this background check that is supposed to take 3 weeks tops, has now taken 5. We only have the apartment reserved for another 10 days, and ive been freaking out about it, even though there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.  This is something to give to God. To know that if He wants us in that apartment, He will make sure the checks come through in time. But I cant stop being anxious about it. It is driving me completely insane.

Not only that, but we already have an apartment we got approved for. Is it the one we want? No, but is it still a place to live in a nice neighborhood? Yes. Why can I not just be thankful for that, and move on in my thoughts instead of obsessing about this little thing?

 

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

 And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.”   Matthew 6:25-34

 

Yeah, Im workin on it.

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