“…But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth”  -Coldplay

I am a huge ball of emotions right now and i couldnt tell you why, or even really pinpoints which emotion goes with which life situation. Im scared im just going to make the same mistakes over and over again until i die. im disgusted with the bitterness of my heart but really have no idea how to get rid of it. God isnt like pepto-bismal. He doesnt always take away whatever is eating at you, if you ask for it. He makes you work through it. And hes making me work through this whole “loving someone but not liking them” thing. Yeah. I no longer have contact with the people I am referring to, but Im having issues because these people are my brother and sister in Christ. Im supposed to love them and support them. But I do not like them. I hate how judgemental, and selfish and proud they are. These are not people I do not know well. These are people I have gotten to know very well over the past few years. Ive tried to let it go, but im still hurt. I am still hurt by the things they have done, and im hurt by the things they have said and STILL say about me today. Ive addressed these things with both of them. And nothing changed which is why i choose to have zero contact with them.  But, I hate that this is going on in my heart. If something negative happened in their personal lives, I would not feel bad for them. My heart has grown hard towards these particular people, and thats not right.

Some of you may think I shouldnt post this, but if you have never struggled with this then youre not being honest with yourself. These are real feelings and I am asking for real prayer.  I dont really know how else to go about this.

There. I pinpointed one of a billion emotions running through me at this very moment. Im making myself quite vulnerable by posting this for everyone to see (much more vulnerable than I care to be), but if i dont try to get rid of this… Ill never be all God called me to be.


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