the great I AM.

Ive always kind of struggled with the fact that Ive known God my whole life.

I know that sounds really bizarre but Ill try to explain the best I can. I was saved when I was four years old. Ever since I can remember, Ive always known who God was, and not only known Him, but had a close relationship with Him. I grew up on worship music, and according to my parents, my first word was Jesus.  I can not remember a time when I was searching for, or seriously questioning the existence of God. I always knew exactly who He was, and exactly what He did and why He did it. (On a big scale). I have never wrestled with the idea of God, like so many people have and do. It was something i had always, just… known.

When I hear testimonys of people who are born again, they describe who they were before Christ, and who they are now. Most of the time, these two people are dramatically different. Ive always struggled with that, because I didnt have a before and after. I got saved before I really understood the magnitude and the effect of sin on the world. I always saw the world as a believer views the world. I always felt separated and strangely homesick, but I never felt the transformation of living and belonging in one world, and then being born again into another.

Thats the best I can explain it.


Ive been thinking about it. And there was definitely a time where I was involved in things that did not please God. Although I was still a “good girl” in the worlds standards, I knew in my heart that the things I was doing were not pleasing to Him. But I kept doing them. One day, something clicked. God spoke to me, and I knew I had to change my life. I knew that I had to do more than exist in the world as someone who believes in Jesus, and I knew that He was calling me to more.

Even though its not a dramatic change, even though I dont have an extreme “before and after” transformation, what God did in my life is just as remarkable. God pulled at me until I realized I was meant for more. He didnt have to do that, and I am so thankful He was patient and loving while I was going through that time in my life.

When my world came crashing down, He was there. When I took my life in to my own hands and tried to crash the world down around me, He was STILL there. He was there when I pushed everyone else away.  He was there through my shame. He was there through my break-ups and make-ups with friends and boys and just- everything.  Ive been through a lot in my life, mostly self inflicted… and he was there through every single solitary second of it. Good and bad. And He will be with me in Spirit until He calls me home.

Sometimes its easy to compare your walk or relationship with God , to other’s relationship with God. But I don thtink thats the point. God doesnt want to have the same exact relationship with every single person. He created our personalities, He created and knows our idiosyncresies and quirks and the things that make each of us unique.

As believers I think we would really benefit from taking time and really reflecting on the relationship we have with the Lord. Its unique, and no one on earth can love you the way that He loves you. That love deserves not to be compared, but appreciated.


One Response to “the great I AM.”

  1. I really liked this post. I’ve had the same reactions at times having grown up always being a believer and I really appreciated what you said in the end.

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