ok ok!

I gave in! A real update, guys. Ive had many requests, (three) and here it is, so be excited.
where do i begin? i accidently threw away my big green journal and i am truly devestated. in fact, the reason i have not updated this thing in a while, because im still grieving the loss. i loved that journal. it was big and green with thinly spaced lines and a litle bird on the top right hand corner of each page that i ended up tracing almost every time i got lost in my thoughts. i had all my Bible verses that helped me through break-ups and fights and confusion and “where is God” moments. All the stuff He taught me through His word, and how He would comfort me through all this. I colored the inside cover with colored pencils, pretending to be artistic when clearly im not. the spine of the book was broken and i had to tape the front and back cover together over the shreded paper spine. it was so worn and used and old and beautiful and now its in the trash. so i really am upset. part of me feels like, if i cant write in that book… i may as well not write anywhere. sounds ridiculous, but im sure someone can relate to that emotion.

Anyway, whats new. I have a new job, working as a teachers assistant at a daycare. i love the kids. but thats just cause i love kids in general. im not really loving the atmosphere. there just seems to be so much gossip and scheming and manipulating its insane. the negetivity is almost like… a physical weight that i can feel when i walk in to a classroom. it kind of makes me sad, because i feel like no one is really happy. all i can do is put a smile on my face and try not to get caught up in the negativity. but i love the kids. and i am seriously considering teaching. i know. its taking me like FOREVER to discover what i want to do, but oh well. im 22, and theres time for me to figure it out. im still getting my degree in psych, but the question is, what to get my masters in. marriage and family counseling, or elem ed. im sure that as i pray about it over this year, the Lord will help me decide.

As for Ian. Goodness i really hate writing about boys in these things, because we always end up breaking up and i always go through the dilema of “should i delete this entry because i was a moron (i almost just typed mormon, lol) and had no idea what crap was in store?” accompanied with the sick to my stomach feeling and wishing i had opened my eyes to who whoever i was dating at the time, really was. (*sigh… run on sentence much?)

What I will say is this:

My relationships in the past have taught me that I change myself. I change myself so that there will be as little conflict as possible in whatever relationship im in. after mario, i decided no more changing myself. no more morphing. no more telling people what they want to hear and stifling who i was and who i wanted to be. so i came to the conclusion that the man i want to marry some day, had to be similar to me. you know how some people attract their complete opposites and thats great because they are such extremes that they balance? yeah, thats a nogo for me. I cant handle someone who is my polar opposite. i need someone who actually understands me because they are similar to me. but different in subtle ways. thats exactly what i need, and thats exactly what ian is. our relationship is great. its light, its God centered, its fun. We are close. And thats nice. refreshingly nice. so im really thankful for him.

My walk with God is at a place right now where God is just revealing a whole lot of ugly things about me. He is letting me see the things ive buried so deep inside. things i havent let go of, and things that ive let become a part of me that i need to disconnect from. He is pushing me and stretching me and its so hard sometimes to even open my Bible cause i know that something else is gonna hit me right to the core, and i doubt that im strong enough to deal with it. but thats just it. im not strong enough and i will never be strong enough. Only God can take those things out of me, and for some reason i rely on myself to do what only God can do. And I wasnt even aware of it. I feel myself coming up to something big. I mean, I feel like… something is going to happen. my preparation time is ticking away, and its almost showtime. i knwo that sounds crazy, but i feel like im being prepared. ive always felt that way. im being prepared for something specific and i can feel it. and it feels like its crunch time. that this year, this last year of undergrad into getting my masters is it. and i know God is going to keep growing me and everything throughout my whole life, but i dont know. i cant really explain it any better than that.

Things about me, characteristics that really set me apart, ive come to like about myself. like… for example, there are some people who live for hanging out with other people. who love to get together and go out and watch movies and do all kinds of stuff like every night of the week. im soooooo NOT like that. im cool hangin out in my room every night of the week. and thats ok. cause thats me and theres nothing wrong with that. i love my friends. i dont have many, but if they want to get together, then thats great. ill do that. but am i searching for the next moment of hanging out? nah. God made me that way for a reason.

AND i want to do everything. everything. i want to be in a musical and write songs and learn to surf and learn the drums and travel the world and sing in traveling choir and memorize books of the Bible and maybe even write a book of my own. i want to get a million degrees, and if i could be a student forever, i would. psychology, sociology, anthropology, counseling, teaching, criminal justice. i just want to learn and learn and learn.
And i like to write. whenever i see something wrong or right or whatever, the first thing i want to do is write a letter. kind of like Paul did. Like, im working on a letter now to Oprah regarding her “new earth” webcasts. i pray she reads it.

i went to a retreat at millersville a few weeks ago and a friend of mine brought up that we are all part of the same body. I cant morph to fit in with the people around me. God made me special and unique and I need to embrace those things and love myself for them. Even though others in the same body may look at me and “find no use” for me, God has use for me. Im here to do something spectacular and im not going to settle for anything less than that.

that felt good to let out.

now that i got my first paycheck, i may just have enough money left over to purchase another journal.


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