More than I bargained for

So I am currently pre-training for a marathon in October. yes. I will be pretraining until june, and then ill be starting my hardcore 16 week training. ūüôā

im so excited. i ran/walked 4miles yesterday. im just trying to get my body used to my heartrate being at a higher pace. my asthma is also doing much better since i started this too. I have realized that this whole thing is going to be much more than physical for me. it really is going to change my life. its spiritual and emotional and …. im just running for so many things, it feels like. And i know its going to be the most difficult thing ive ever put myself through, but i can do it. and i will do it.

moving home was the best thing i could have done for myself and for my family. i need to be here. im needed here. although everything in me wants to be on my own and independant and everything like that. i have to be here right now, and God is showing me that more and more each day.

Ive messed up sooooooo much in the past few months. every way possible. ive screwed up friendships, jobs, finances. everything.  and im so sorry to the people that have been affected by it. i pray for your forgiveness, although i am completely undeserving. alhtough i am undeserving, God has allowed me a fresh start, yet again. His grace is unfathomable and infinate.  and he has made it very clear what he wants me to be doing with my life right now because he keeps opening up the same doors. ive been an idiot, walking through them and standing in the doorway, waiting for the house to crumble while standing still in order to make the quickest escape possible. i cant do that. i actually have to walk through the door, inside and towards my future. I need to be the best me I can be. And I cant expect worse than that anymore. I go in to situations expecting to screw them up. I dont expect much of myself and thats what my problem is.

Anyways. Im finishing school, getting my masters and doin life. with joy.

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