yes yes. it is time to look back on good ol 2007.  mostly a crappy year, with a few little bursts of sunshine. 🙂 im gonna do this differently. ive gone through my written journal, and picked out quotes that i think sum up a lot of what ive been through. its interesting that im quoting my journal… as it is much more personal to me than any internet blog. but… whatever. i dont care who knows what anymore. may as well be honest! here goes!!


 “I cant shake this feeling of constantly wanting change. Something more, something different. Not necessarily something completely different than my life right now, but i just want my life to get going.” 1/1/07

“How can I want something so bad and turn away from His (God’s) hand? I cant tell you how afraid I am that when I turn back around, it wont be there anymore.” 3/24/07

“I know some people will hafve a problem with this, but honestly Im done trying to please other people” 3/26/07

“Lord, help me love them. Especially the ones who talk behind my back” 4/5/07

“I dont want a sunday fire. We dont need a sunday fire. We need an everyday, living, breathing, praising Jesus fire. Thats what I want. And I no longer care who around me understands or agrees or is lazy or whatever” 4/5/07

“God doesnt want this for me. I am more than a toy, more than an obligation. I should be treated like a princess, listened to, cared about, and concerned for. Because I am a beautiful person who deserves someone who cant stop thinking about her. who cant stop loving her who cant stop wondering and working on how he can be a better person for her. Because thats what I would do for him and thats what I deserve. And I wont settle for less” 4/12/07

“I dont know what is stopping me from following through with what God put in my heart. Maybe because it meanse stepping out from the crowd” 4/29/07

“It bothers me that it is so easy for him to let me go. And I am telling you right now, the next time he lets me go, its for good” 6/10/07

“I shouldnt have to convince him that he should be with me. he doesnt appreciate me. he doesnt love my quirks. hes not what i need. he doesnt want this enough so im letting him go. I wanted to be the girl for him, but I would have asked for nothing in return.” 7/?/07

“I want him to realize what he let go. And regret it. And see how much he sucked as a boyfriend. And apologize. And tell me he misses me and he regrets what happened and that he wishes he could turn back time, because i was the best thing that ever happened to him. and most of all, i want to be able to look him in they eye, turn around, and walk away with no desire to turn back. Thats what i want, and im already gettin there.” 7/?/07

“I just, for once, want the perfect romance” 8/15/07

“Its a never ending cycle of hope which could very well lead to that same cycle of heartache and heartbreak and all that crap I should be afraid of, but Im not. I dont know if im overly optimistic or maybe I ask for it. Maybe the luster of love is so shiny, that even after going though all the crap, now it seems to be worth it. as much as I can promise never to let myself get hurt again, I still fall. I fall, and I get bruised. . . but no matter how big that bruise is, I keep on falling. & I always will, until I find the one who catches me right before I hit the pavement.” 8/16/07

“Today is the date. And I feel like, its also the beginning of something a little bigger than I may be prepared for” 8/25/07

“I want a gentle spirit. I want to be intelligent and wise and methodical in my walk with Him. I want to be sensitive to His voice, His calling, His direction. I want to inspire others to become closer with the Lord. I want You. I feel Your hand in mine sometimes. Ive felt You hold me together, Ive felt your hand on the back of my head as Ive cried to you. I love you. Ive heard you comfort me, and tell me when I am wrong. I lean on You when my world crumbles. But, what am I making my world? Everytime you have picked me up, it was because someone else has dropped me. I was broken in pieces, and you restored me. I made those people my world. Was that wrong? Or is that what you called us to do? Granted, putting them before you was definitely a m istake, but serving them… giving them everything I had, is that bad? no I dont thinmk so, I got hurt…. but so does Jesus. Maybe its making me more like Him” 10/10/07

“Im in love, and theres nothing I can do about it. and theres nothing i really want to do about it” 11/7/07

“oh the drama. ive always been one to back away from the drama, and now i find myself smack in the middle of it. im done. with the drama, with the ministry, with people who say one thing and do the opposite. count me out. i love them all and wish them all the best, but i cant be there anymore. its time for me to move on” 11/10/07

“conversation with someone who truly understands you while munching on half priced appetizers. fills a void thats been in my heart for entirely too long.” 11/?/07

“I need You. More than ever. I dont know whats wrong with me so only You can fix me. So here I am Lord, undone and wanting answers. Needing answers. Youve gotta help me win this” 12/12/07

“Sometimes people need someone to blame for things going wrong in their life. Im happy to be that person, if need be. But dont think we can hug and make up instantly after a halfway genuine apology… Id rather just forgive and forget. Unnecessary bitterness can dissolve a friendship.” 12/16/07

“The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart and saves such as have a contrite spirit” Psalm 34:18 12/17/07

“Am I homesick again? is tha twhat this is? I cry for You in themiddle of the night. I cant wait for something to start so we can go home. That Psalm says “who is the man who desires life and loves many days that he may see good?” that is not me. and I don tknow how to get that. Is loving life something that should come naturally? because for me it is going to have to be a conscious effort” 12/21/07

“we got the house. its a new town, new job, new church… and most importantly a new perspective. My desire is for the Lord to continue to mold me in to the woman He wants me to be. I need to forget the things which are behind me, and press on and reach toward the things placed ahead of me. I need to stop dwelling on my mikstakes and the people who have hurt me and betrayed my trust. Some lessons are harder to learn than others. Some people will never understand my perspective. Few will even ask for it. But all of this is necessary to learn and grow in the Lord. Ive never been the type of person who enjoyed standing still emotionally or spiritually.  I may be viewed as a bitter woman, running away from something that used to define her. A certain position, or church, or ministry, or group of friends.  But if you look closer, you will see a woman who will stop at nothing to see the face of God and has become restless in her journey to seek Him. You will see a woman who has recognized that her present surroundings have stifled her growth, and in order to breathe and grow in to the woman she wants to be,  she needs to wipe the dust off of her shoes and keep walking. It may not be in the popular direction, and it may not be a perfectly straight path. But Im walkin towards my Savior,  and im gonna keep on walkin one foot in front of the other, until I see His face.”  12/31/07


One Response to “”

  1. It looks like you did some serious growing this year.

    And “one foot in front of the other” until we see His face is really the only way it works for anyone.

    God bless you. Hope 2008 is a great year.

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