Im at this point…

where I just want more. More of God. I have been reading Ezekiel which almost everyone I tell that to thinks Ezekiel sucks as a book of the Bible. lol. i absolutely love it! its so artistic and beautiful and God really speaks through him … like a painting. I know that might not make sense to anyone but me, but I read it and it paints a picture in my heart.

Before reading Ez, Id been struggling with finding Gods love in the Old Testament. It just seems like hes mad a lot. And last night I understand why I was lead to read this book. Petes sermon was on chapter 16 which illustrates Gods love for Israel so beautifully.  It makes me sad though, because my heart breaks as God is rejected by those who he loves. And then when I got home last night, I reread some stuff I had read earlier and something just hit me.

**Therefore say, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD: “Although I have cast them far off among the Gentiles, and although I have scattered them among the countries, yet I shall be a little sanctuary for them in the countries where they have gone.”’  Therefore say, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD: “I will gather you from the peoples, assemble you from the countries where you have been scattered, and I will give you the land of Israel.”’  And they will go there, and they will take away all its detestable things and all its abominations from there. Then I will give them one heart, and I will put a new spirit within them, and take the stony heart out of their flesh, and give them a heart of flesh,  that they may walk in My statutes and keep My judgments and do them; and they shall be My people, and I will be their God.** Ezekiel 11:16-20

I cant even tell you how much those verses set my heart on fire. Im really excited for people going over to Italy, but there is work to be done here as well. So let’s go. I dont know where to go, or what to do. But I know that there are people here with the same heart.  And im tired of sitting around here and doing nothing, while people die without knowing or understanding the love of Christ. Its one thing to hear it and reject it. Im not talking about those people. But the people who THINK they know what its all about, and have absolutely no idea because no one bothered to ask, share or love them. Its easy to be lazy. To assume that everyone in America knows who Jesus was, and why He did what He did. Well they dont. There are people who are genuinely searching for answers. Who are really and truly trying to find what is real in this world. Who is going to tell them? Who is going to show them? It breaks my heart to know that people I love, dont know God. Dont want to know God. Its unbearable for me. I cant even imagine how God must feel.

I want to be the one who shows them, but I know that Im not a good witness to them. I dont correctly represent the love of Christ and Ive messed up soooo many times, that if they ever did forgive me, I know they would never forget the things I had done.  That sucks. It does. So all I can do from that point is to pray for them. I know it doesnt really make sense… but thats how I feel. Ive let so many people down. People I love. And I feel like they are unreconcilable situations.

And Im sure they just assume that I dont care and dont ever think of them. They couldnt be further from the truth. I think about them all the time. It hurts. And I dont want to put them through the pain of being my friend again. I dont know if that makes sense. I just feel like they are better off without me. I love you guys. And you know that Im talking to you. I love you. I always will. But I dont think you will ever forgive me for being crappy. And even if you did, Im too afraid that I will be crappy again. Im sorry.  I love you and I miss you and I wish I didnt screw everything up. But yall are probably better off without me.

Sorry for the long tangent. But thats on my heart every single day. I feel like i lost a part of me. But God told me he would take care of them. And hopefully, one day they will accept His love. That is the most important thing in this world. And I will be on my knees until it happens. 

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