open my eyes

wow. well, theres been a lot going on in my life lately. ive been trying to figure out what i am supposed to do with it, how i am supposed to go about doing it, why my feelings are getting sooooo in the way of everything (or seems like they are slowing things down)… i totally broke down last night.  my first instinct was to call my parents. this is a big deal, because i dont really  talk to my parents about personal things. have i written this before? it feels like I have. whatever, ill write it again. my dad and i had a looooong conversation that was really helpful. he told me to focus on where i want to go, not where i was right at this moment.  ive been struggling with having a focus, the focus God wants me to have…(which, in the bible it says that what God wants for me is the desires of my own heart… so basically i had to figure out how i wanted to serve Him)  and as i was praying and stuff, i just kept seeing teenage girls. preteens as well. i feel like this society teaches girls that its ok to be objectified, and used. or even to use their sexuality to get certain things. its just so sad to me.  especially in the next generations to come, sex is perceived as such a uh… i dont know the word…. normalcy i guess? its normal for fifth and sixth graders to start experimenting with that kind of stuff… and to view it as no big deal.  i see pictures of girls who used to be my campers, on myspace and stuff 14 and 15 years old… talking about how they get drunk every weekend, talking about orgies they had with their friends in such a nonchalant way, its so sickning. and its not their fault. its the media, and parents. anyway, the Lord really put it on my hearts to reach out to these kids. I dont know how, but thats what Im supposed to do.

So as I was talkin to God about my life, I became frustrated because I wanted to know how my life would end up. ya know? I felt as if I was being led somewhere blindfolded, not allowed to see the world around me as I walked.

Tonight in smallgroup, a missionary talked to us about a lot of the stuff the Lord has allowed him to do in other countries. He was saying how we as Christians are all called to missions, not necessarily in other countries, but in general. We are here, not to judge people, not to perfect ourselves, not to have a wonderful church or a good group of friends or any of that. Christians are called to spread the love of Christ, to everyone they can. And this doesnt necessarily mean sitting every single person down and sharing the gospel with them. This is doing good things, having and sharing love to everyone, for the glory of God. “Let your light shine before men so they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven” Matthew 5:16 We cant just preach it, we must live it.  We  need to be committed to unconditionally loving those who dont even acknowlege us, who curse us, who hate us… just like Jesus loves those who ignore, curse and hate him. Its difficult, but necessary.

Tonight, I realized how selfish I had been being. For the first time, I stopped analyzing my life. where I was. How I was doing. and looked to see what God was doing in my life. and for the first time, I could see how He is working. where He wants me to go. I had been so frustrated because I couldnt see the big picture. Well, of course I cant see the big picture if Im zoomed in only on myself. Once I zoomed out, I saw everything much clearer.  God hasnt forgotten about me. He knows exactly what He is doing.  Everything is falling in to place. I am doing His will. I am going to be, where I want to be. Where He wants me to be. I need to chill out, and just keep makin my peanut butter sandwich.

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