oh its been a while…

sorry to the 2 people who read this… lol. i havent posted in a long while. thats just because i dont really feel like doing it!! so here i am, if you really wanna know whats going on in my life, i may as well update you now. i guess its category time…

school um yeah, im not in school right now… my grades turned out ok. and i figured out that if i get straight As for the next 2 semesters, i can graduate with a cumulative gpa of 3.2.  if i retake microeconomics, and get at least a C that will raise it to a 3.3. um, its just frustrating because i know i have the capability of doing well in school… im not a dumb girl. but i dont have the work ethic. i really really really need to get that straightened out if i want to graduate with the standards ive set for myself. anyway, im taking classes in july, and im a little nervous. polito said that he liked summer classes better because they are more "lax" so, hopefully hes right and they will be a breeze. thats what im hoping, and im pretty sure ill do fine.

friends i havent really seen much of my friends, from school! nire threw me an AWESOME 21st birthday party, where I basically got to see everyone from school that i really cared about (minus danielle, because she refused to fly in early from hawaii to join the festivities… lol) i miss them. it just seems like everyone is going their seperate ways and whatnot. kind of like the end of high school. i guess that makes sense because its nearing the end of college and everthing…we just have to remember that just because we dont talk as often and stuff, doesnt mean that we love eachother any less. i guess. i just really miss her. this summer ive been spending most of my time with christine. we go to church like 4 times a week. its awesome. shes having kind of a hard time because her mom, who used to be a strong christian and always encouraged her in her walk with God, has turned away from that. Not only did she turn away from that, but she mocks christines faith and tells her that "one day she'll wake up and see the truth" the truth is, is that her mother is dating this man, ed, who is a complete atheist and she is being influenced by him. Its really hard to watch, especially because Ive known Mrs Swope for sooooo long and shes always been this bright light of a person, and now its like shes completely different. Its sad, but its nothing that God cant fix. michelle was my best friend in high school. ever since 8th grade we had been inseparable. she was the only person who understood me, and didnt abandon me. but then when i got to college, she resented me for whatever reason. i love her so much, but shes a completely different person than the person I knew then. which is understandable because its been years. But the problem is, is that if I had just met her, I wouldnt like her. Shes not the sweet girl she was. I dont know. anyway, shes having her baby at the end of July, and Im the godmother. Im just really nervous about the delivery, and honestly kind of have a bad feeling about it. I dont really want to get into it, but I really hope i am wrong.

boys i have decided not to date. i know this is easy for me to say, because no one is like… approaching me wanting to date me or anything… but i really feel as if i am not ready to date anyone. i really have to get myself together, and really use this time to build up my relationship with God.  I feel like Don and I broke up, at the absolute right time (if not, later than the right time…).  I read through my prayer journal that i keep, last night and on March 28th, I prayed that God will do whatever is right for Don and I. I said …

"God,

I dont know how much longer i can do this. He isnt for me, is he? I'm ok with that God, if that is your will.  If he can treat me like this, then he is not a person I need to be with.  Im ok with that.  That is not the way you want me to be treated. I shouldnt accept this from anyone, so why exactly do I keep trying? Hes not. It is impossible to talk to him.  i cant do it. Should I even try? Maybe I should be single. God, give me the strength to make the decision that is best for me. I wish I could talk to him, but he is impossible to talk to. There is nothing I can do. Help me do this, Lord."

We broke up the very next day. And although I wasnt the one who initiated it, I do believe that God gave me the strength to stick to my guns, and not go back to him. I thank him for that.

So basically the next boy I date not only has to be a Christian, but he has to be on fire for God. Kind of like Luke is. ok, pretty much exactly like Luke is. You can look at his face, and see light coming from inside of him. I want a boy like that. But im pretty sure God is not going to bring him in to my life, for a few years or so. Until I feel like… um… ok how do i put this. I feel like now is wrong, because Im not yet at that point. Im not confident in my faith, im not doing community service, and I have yet to find a fellowship that I enjoy being a part of. So if I were in a relationship with a boy who had all of that, I would feel completely beneath him. Inadequate. So I basically know that its not time yet, ya know?

faith one of the reasons, pretty much the main reason why I was and am so excited about this summer is because I really feel as if it is time to build on my faith. This includes my knowledge of the Bible, the amount of verses I have committed to memory, and my relationship with God altogether. Its a huge part of me, that I feel like I have been ashamed of. Its hard for me to live in this culture, and claim Jesus. Because I know once I do that, I am a representation. I have to watch what I say, watch what I do, and everything like that… not just for how Im representing what I believe, but because when I do these things that I know are wrong, I feel HORRIBLE afterwards. I need to get myself together. And I am doing that. Im not expecting myself to be perfect, but it is really important to me, not to be a "hypocritical christian." if that makes sense. Im also looking for a different church to go to. While I love the sermons at calvary, worship is what really makes me feel close to God. Everyone there is so stiff!! i guess because they are older, and just … i dont know… but i need to go to a church that feels just… more alive in their worship. Not necessarily dancin down the aisles, alive… but i want to feel like i can put my hands in the air, and sing loudly. its important to me, and something I need to find.  So sunday me and christine are going to try a church down the street. we will see if this does the trick… 🙂 Anyways, This is all I have to say, at the moment. I set up my computer in my room, so maybe that means I will start updating more. yay!!! it really is theraputic. Just letting you know that the following entries will probably have a lot to do with God, bible verses, etc. Just because Im not comfortable putting mythoughts on livejournal, because I dont want anyone to feel as if Im forcing my beliefs on them. Because that honestly is not my intention. goodness gracious. this is probably much longer than I intended, but thats alright. bye yall! 

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