This Weekend.

You know, this weekend kind of started off badly. Thursday was terrible for me. No one knew it, and I dont exactly know WHY it was so hard for me. It was one of those days where I took everything that was said to me, personally. I was supersensitive, and I hate being like that. But, then again, what do you do when someone you love makes you feel like crap? And has no idea? Well, I was frustrated because maybe if they opened their eyes a little they would see how what he/she was affecting me. I hate feeling like I have to answer to people. I hate knowing that people who think they know me, really dont. at all. It annoys me that they think they know me, and speak like they know me, and are wrong. But is it their fault they are wrong? or is it mine for not letting them in? I just cant let people in. I dont know why, but I hate letting people know how I feel. I dont like people thinking ANYTHING of me. good or bad. I would just rather not be noticed. I think Im just tired of being here. Im tired of this atmosphere. I feel like i cheated myself out of … i dont know. I just cheated myself. I dont know why I do it, but I do. I dig myself holes, just to see if and how I get out of them. Its frustrating. And its a cycle that seems impossible for me to break.

Anyway, the retreat I went on with my mom was absolutely awesome. It was exactly what I needed. The speakers were simple, they were funny, they were annointed. It was amazing. There was a lot of worship, a lot of prayer, and a lot of people were saved. There is no place I am happier in, than my church. The spirit was moving. It was amazing. I need to get the guts to go to God with the things I need to go to him with. Im having a hard time with, basically only 2 major things that I want to change. But I feel like part of me doesnt want to change, and that makes me mad. Its just so hard right now, and I know that Im not perfect, and I dont expect myself to be. But mistakes are one thing, and premeditation is another. I need to get it together.
I have never, ever put my 100% in to anything, besides karate. Ever. Never school, relationships, even friendships. I hate that about myself. What is keeping me from putting forth as much effort as possible?

Anyways. That was my weekend. It ended up good. but now Im back here. I hate it here, to be honest. But I feel like by not liking it, I am taking it for granted so I feel guilty for not liking it.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH sorry for a confusing and sometimes vague entry.
Just pray for me.

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One Response to “This Weekend.”

  1. i lurve you. : )

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