Ramblings

to add to my last post… i say this because… well because ive been listening to gavin degraw to prepare for his new cd coming out in may. and i was listening to my FAVORITE song of his, cop stop and the jist is… “baby im a cop stop put up your hands and surrender to me” how come i didnt think of that???? or or i was listening to a nikka costa song and a lyric is… “this birds gonna fly so high. watch my sky come undone. you can choose the rain but i choose the sun” …. i could have thought of that! but i didnt.

gr.

so i was thinking of things that i want to do in this thing called life. things i want to experience and spend my time on and all that jazz. and i have such a new… perspective?? i dont know if thats the right word, but ive always had a hard time loving life. the pain of being separated from God always clouded my desire to make the most of what ive been given. But the Bible is full of direction and hope and word of encouragement towards finding that joy daily. So. Here off the top of my head are the things that are actually dear to my heart. Things, both silly and serious, that I want my life to be.

i want to travel the world. i want to get my masters in marriage and family counseling and also get a teaching certificate.  i want to be a momma and a wife. i want to marry the man of my dreams and be completely swept off my feet a marriage that lasts for my life. a marriage like my parent’s.  i want to write music.  i want to learn how to play the harp, and the drums and i want to learn how to shoot a gun. i want to run a marathon and swim in all the oceans of the world (except the arctic…too cold).  i want to start a smallgroup/homechurch. I want to write a book. Eventually I want to teach women the word of God. I want to use every experience Ive had, good and bad, to help someone else. I want all of my friends to know and accept the unconditional love Jesus Christ has for them.  But, thats not something i have any control over. although its the one thing that i want the most out of everything i have listed.

*sigh.

I just pray they see

I wish

I could write music. I really do.  

ugh. i just feel like theres so much inside of me, that can only be released through music… and i cant for the life of me figure out how to get it out.

The Ruse. Song lyrics

I heard this song on “the hills” (im such a geek.) made me think of God.

Hold Tight

“Standing on this ledge with a bottle and a notion
And I’ve done this before to block out the commotion
And I’ll repent, and I’ll forget
How I even got here
And I’ll shut down to stop the sound
It’s never really over

Hold tight
It’s not easy to be following your lead
Hold Tight
Cause I’m down on my knees so eager to please

When I walk through these streets watching all the motion
I know you done this before with a young mans devotion
And did you repent, and did you forget
How you even got there
And did you shut down to stop the sound
Is this ever really over

Am I still my father’s son
In this man I have become

Hold tight
It’s not easy to be following your lead
Hold tight
Cause I’m down on my knees so eager to please

Am I what I think I am
In this man, this brother, this son

Through the driving rain
Through the blinding snow
Through the scorching heat we’ll go

When does it end?
When will this pass
You made these hands
I hope they last”

Running Playlist

so i decided to share my running playlist. because im a dork.

Go Ahead – Alicia Keys: Its a good warm up song. especially if youve ever been cheated on. im all about emotional exercise. haha.

Toxic – Britney Spears: its steady, and kinda makes you feel slinky. and if youre not slinky, it makes you want to move in order to one day be slinky.

Be the Girl – Aslyn: upbeat + attitude = good

U & Ur Hand – Pink:  “you dont really wanna mess with me tonight”… nuff said

Sexy Back – Justin Timberlake

Play  - David Banner : the censored version. the song literally makes me sick, but the first line is something like… ”run girl, let me see your body wet. yeah girl lemme see you drip sweat.” he is not talking about running. whichis obvious by the rest of the song, but it has a good beat)

Since you Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson: again with the emotional exercise.

Only One – Yellowcard

Dont Wait – Dashboard

Vindicated – Dashboard

Survivor – Destinys Child : when you gotta push that extra 3 minutes, thats a great song to have on.

Devil Archerist – Bethany Joy Lenz

Made to Love – Toby Mac

Hum Along – Ludo

Shackles (Praise You) – Mary Mary : Yes I am possibly the only person who can run to Christian music. I have a few good ones on here though. Made to love, is an awesome song. They have a great beat!

Wonder of it All – Next Year

I just want you to know – Backstreet Boys : dont laugh. bsb is awesome. i will forever be a fan.

All the Small Things – Blink 182

In the Rough – Anna Nalick

I am God – Kirk Franklin : so much instrumental stuff. combine rock and gospel. it was pretty freaking amazing.

Just Enough – Aslyn

After the World – Disciple

Crazy in Love – Beyonce : yeah, i hate this song, but its fast.

anyways, thats my playlist. if you have any suggestions, id love to hear them!!! NIRE. ahem ahem!

More than I bargained for

So I am currently pre-training for a marathon in October. yes. I will be pretraining until june, and then ill be starting my hardcore 16 week training.

im so excited. i ran/walked 4miles yesterday. im just trying to get my body used to my heartrate being at a higher pace. my asthma is also doing much better since i started this too. I have realized that this whole thing is going to be much more than physical for me. it really is going to change my life. its spiritual and emotional and …. im just running for so many things, it feels like. And i know its going to be the most difficult thing ive ever put myself through, but i can do it. and i will do it.

moving home was the best thing i could have done for myself and for my family. i need to be here. im needed here. although everything in me wants to be on my own and independant and everything like that. i have to be here right now, and God is showing me that more and more each day.

Ive messed up sooooooo much in the past few months. every way possible. ive screwed up friendships, jobs, finances. everything.  and im so sorry to the people that have been affected by it. i pray for your forgiveness, although i am completely undeserving. alhtough i am undeserving, God has allowed me a fresh start, yet again. His grace is unfathomable and infinate.  and he has made it very clear what he wants me to be doing with my life right now because he keeps opening up the same doors. ive been an idiot, walking through them and standing in the doorway, waiting for the house to crumble while standing still in order to make the quickest escape possible. i cant do that. i actually have to walk through the door, inside and towards my future. I need to be the best me I can be. And I cant expect worse than that anymore. I go in to situations expecting to screw them up. I dont expect much of myself and thats what my problem is.

Anyways. Im finishing school, getting my masters and doin life. with joy.

run baby run.

Im training for a marathon. yes. I said marathon. a whole 26 mile thing. its in october so apparently thats enough time to train. im quite excited for this. the only thing i am a little worried about is my athsma. BUT i think endurance training will benefit my lungs. HOORAY.

what else is new? im back home with the rents and my cousin, doug.  gonna focus on school and save as much money as possible. this requires a job though, so wish me luck on that venture.

my dogs are crazy.

everyone is getting married. i would get upset, or whatever about it… but i have realized that its going to be this way for the next like… 20 years. people are just gonna be gettin married right and left. and then in 20 years youll start hearing about divorces (not wishing that on anyone of course) and everyone will be gettin a divorce.

Im reading “the other boleyn girl” and i cant put it down. well, i can … but only because im forcing myself to. if you hated the movie, read the book bc its really good. crazy, but good.

tonight is LOST night. its been a few weeks since ive hung out with DRok. the only reason i dont like hangin out with her is beause everytime i leave, i want to chop my hair off cuase hers looks so cute. and then i have to literally pull out my TU ID, and see how retarded I look with hair that short and tell myself that even straight, it wouldnt look good.

Thats my ramble for the day.

Thanks for tuning in, kids.

Lets start this reunion off right.

with song lyrics that ive probably already posted before.

“You break the glass, try to hide your face
Recorded lines that just will not erase
And buried in your loss of innocence
You wonder if you’ll find it again

Was I there for the worst of all your pain?
And was I there when your blue sky ran away?
Was I there when the rains were flooding you?
I hope you feel those were My tears falling down for you, falling down for you

I’m the One that you’ve been looking for
I’m the One that you’ve been waiting for
I’ve had My eyes on you ever since you were born
I will love you after the rain falls down
I will love you after the sun goes out
I’ll have My eyes on you after the world is no more

Did I arrange the light of your first day?
Did I create the rhythm your heart makes?
Could you believe when your candle starts to fade?
I want to be the One that you believe
Could take it all away, take your heart away

Isn’t My life a clear sign since I have crossed over this chasm
To fill the space between Me and you?
And I will do it all over again
Just look for Me, just wait for Me

The One you’ve been looking for
The One you’ve been waiting for
You won’t have to look anymore”

I love the lines “did I arrange the light of your first day? did I create the rythym your heart makes?” ah. hits me right to my core.

Anyways, life is life ya know? you never know what is brought, really. just gotta roll with the punches.

so here I am,

just call me proud mary.

its official

im starting this thing back up.  be excited. or whatever it is you are when you read my awesome blogs. lol.