ok

had a meeting with pete and cate again today. im not sure if its cate with a c or kate with a k. hm. lots of things are running through my mind at this moment in time. a lot of things to do with the ministry. im feeling a little bit intimidated. im feeling a bit of self doubt, but not real self doubt. i dont know how to explain that. i feel all of these things but i feel as if im exactly where i am supposed to be. 

michelle has moved in she will be staying with me for 2 weeks. yay! im really excited about that. i love her.

things are just. i cant get my mind to stop going. tomorrow i head to rosi and politos wedding to take place this weekend. i dont even have money to get them a decent gift. how sad is that.

things are stressful. im not sure about the support i have. this makes things more difficult. its strange, i feel that my biggest support as far as… emotionally. besides the Lord, is my girls. I find myself looking foward to monday nights. wondering what wise things will be said. what experiences will be shared. what about God we will discover. Its amazing, and I thank God for the girls in my life who understand me.

sorry i cant really elaborate about anything really…. its one of those things that there is too much to talk about.

Under Diddys spell.

I dont know what it is about making the band, that just hypnotizes me! At first I thought that it was Diddys uncanny ability to push twentysomething girls to their physical and emotional breaking points. I thought that this new season, which is making the next R&B boy group would not interest me much. that is, until i statred watching it. Theres this pudgy white boy named Dan who is awesome. And theres this asian boy who has a voice that TOTALLY does not match the way he looks. Kind of like Clay Aiken x 10.   LOVE IT! Oh diddy, I thought that you and I were done, but here we are again. 

Still, you love me.

No matter how much I mess up, He loves me. Unconditionally. You go through life trying to find the person who loves you the most. Who would walk through fire for you, who would go to the ends of the earth for you, who would give up their life for you. When you dont find it, you wonder whats wrong with you. Or maybe you figure out that the person youre in love with, wouldnt really give up their own life for yours. Maybe youve figured out it was just… a lie. And squandered that little dream that lived in you, because love like that only exists in movies, and cheesy sitcoms.

It doesnt.

I know someone who loved me so much, that He did everything He could do, to show me he loved me. And, for a while I took it for granted. I always knew He sacrificed himself, out of love for each and every person on earth. So He could have a personal relationship, a friendship with each of us. And I lived life, knowing it, but not really… understanding it.

Ive had my fair share of failed relationships. At the end of them, I always felt as if the other person didnt know what they had. That they didnt appreciate me, the sacrifices I had made for them, the things I had done to show my love every single day. I felt as if they just wanted me there to fill the “girlfriend” void in their lives, but never wanted to dig deeper. They didnt want to really get to know me as more than their girlfriend. As a person, as the person on this Earth who would do anything for them if they needed me to.  Their eyes constantly wandered to girls who were prettier, and sometimes, their eyes werent the only things that wandered away. Ive caught myself thinking “if only he knew what he had! he would be so happy right now!” And then, I blamed God for my romantic relationships going wrong. It wasnt until last year, that God really opened my eyes and made me see that how hurt and unappreciated I felt, was only a very very small fraction of what He feels every moment of every day. And, that I was adding to His pain.

Jesus. Sacrificed himself and died for every single person on the planet. Hoping that His display of love, would draw people to Him. Unfortunately, His love is not returned by everyone he would like.

Every person wants the person they love to prove that they love them back. Ive caught myself saying in the past… “you love me? prove it!”.  And many times I would be happy if that person, instead of playing video games that night, would take me out to dinner instead. “he really loves me.” id say to myself.

How much more did Jesus do? He has given us all proof. I cant imagine the heartbreak He feels when His children, the children He created and appreciates, and loves dont accept Him or turn to other things to fill the void that only He can fill.

He loves you, and He died …. DIED so that you would be free to love Him. Try not to take that for granted.  Its the love we have all dreamed about. No, life is not an easy road and accepting Jesus doesnt get rid of life’s inevitable problems… but its so much easier knowing that when everyone else may let you down, He is there to hold your hand. He will ALWAYS be there to help you get through it. Never have I met someone as committed, loyal, appreciative, forgiving and trustworthy. His love is truly not of this world.

So not only have I dedicated my life to helping people understand his sign of ultimate Love, but I have committed myself to a life of truly and deeply loving Him back.

Thank You, Lord, for loving us all.

“Prodigal”~ Michael Gungor Band

 ”I’ve tasted Your glory And I left it there

You poured out Your spirit and I didnt care

Still, You loved me

I’ve lived for myself with nobody to blame

I took what You gave me and squandered Your grace

Still You loved me

Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me

Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me

I could live for the broken and share in their pain

I could die like a martyr and live like a saint

Just to love You

I could sing like the angels and gather Your praise

Be blessed beyond measure and give it away

Just to love You

But nothing compares to what You’ve done for me

Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me

My heart has been broken

Ive layed out my shame

Because of your mercy all I can say is

I love You

So ill tell of Your story

Ill carry Your name

Ill live for Your glory Lord Ill share in Your pain

Just to love You

Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me

Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me

Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me

Nothing can separate us

No nothing can separate us

Not death or life or depth or height

or unseen power now or never!”

If I could write a song, it would be that one. Thats my heart.

Life…just tryin to figure it all out.

Alright. I thought it has been much longer since I have last updated. But apparently it has only been 3 months. Ill get you all caught up on the little stuff… Well… who knows where my fingers will take me?

I have my own apartment at the moment. I dig living by myself. In case you havent noticed, im a bit of a loner and I like it that way. I can sing as loud as I want, play guitar as loud as I want, eat whenever I want… its just. nice. Im blessed.

Michelle is moving in for a few weeks as well. Until her grandpop goes back to florida. Im excited. Like, really excited.

 The girls smallgroup is going well. We are getting closer to eachother, and closer to the Lord. I just wish I had a printer and stuff, because I feel like I could do so much more!! I have all of these ideas, but with no printer (and very little internet)… its difficult.

Im going to be finishing my degree online. A lot of the reason I had a hard time with psychology was because a lot of the things that were taught, I disagreed with on a spiritual level. So basically what I found was an online degree program where I can get my BAS through Liberty University, which is a Christian school. Im excited and hope that a lot of my credits that I already took, transfer over. They should.

Lets see, what else? Im really excited about truelife. We are starting a cafe on saturday nights (kind of an alternative to the bar scene) which will be open to anyone. There will be live music, and good eatin. Theres gonna be computers and stuff set up too. So if youre in the Phila area, HOLLA (ok, i cant believe I just said that). Its open from 6pm-12am every saturday.

Anyways, I was watching one of those “crazy” Christian channels, where they act all wacky and ask you for money all the time. And I saw someone who looked familiar. It was Mase (like Puff Daddy and Mase?) and he was telling about how he came to Christ. And the reason I liked it, was because it wasnt fake. He was 100 % genuine, and didnt make up stuff to make it seem more spectacular than it really was. And he kept saying how, as this stuff was happening to him, he couldnt believe it was real… because he used to always make fun of people who praised God with their hands raised and layed before him and stuff. He said that as he was going down to the alter call, he started taking off his jewelry, and when he got down to the front, he layed it all at the alter. He said that God lifted up his hands and he fell on his face. And as he was “laid out in the Spirit” God spoke to him. God told him that he was leading many people to hell with the music he was producing, but the devil would not use any more words that come out of his mouth. It was increadible. God is cool.

There are a lot of other things that I want to say, but I have to go help set up the building for the coffee place tomorrow. So I will leave you with a song that makes me cry, and puts things in perspective for me…. over and over and over again.

“Love Song” ~ Third Day

I’ve heard it said that a man would climb a mountain
Just to be with the one he loves
How many times has he broken that promise
It has never been done.
I’ve never climbed the highest mountain
But I walked the hill of calvary

Just to be with you, I’d do anything
There’s no price I would not pay
Just to be with you, I’d give anything
I would give my life away.

I’ve heard it said that a man would swim the ocean
Just to be with the one he loves
How may times has he broken that promise
It can never be done
I’ve never swam the deepest ocean
But I walked upon the raging sea

Just to be with you, I’d do anything
There’s no price I would not pay
Just to be with you, I’d give anything
I would give my life away.

 I know that you don’t understand
the fullness of My love
How I died upon the cross for your sins
And I know that you don’t realize
how much that I gave you
But I promise, I would do it all again.

Just to be with you, I’ve done everything
There’s no price I did not pay
Just to be with you, I gave everything
Yes, I gave my life away