“If you fall, I will catch you… I will be waiting”

I feel as though, I am definitely at a crossroads. Im not exactly sure what I am going to do… I know Im moving out, getting a second job and continuing school. But… im really miserable in my major… & I wonder if I could possibly look in to a different kind of schooling. I dont know. This whole psychology thing just doesnt feel right. I dont know if ANYTHING feels right. I mean, I feel like I should finish what I started. Do something that will get me a little bit ahead in this world…. But I dont know what that is. All I want in life is to get married, and have a family and raise my family under the Lords will. Move somewhere with some land, have some dogs, and work with the youth ministry at whatever church we end up at. But I know Im not ready for any of that yet… so what the heck am I supposed to do in the meantime? I guess … go to school? alksjdfklajsdflkj. Its frustrating for me. All I know is whatever I do, I need to put my heart in it. If I do that, and seek God first before anything… He will catch me. He will provide. He will. I love Him.

ugh.

 part of me feels like im just wandering. Part of me doesnt.

ahhh i just have to make a decision.

its weird

for me to be this age… because for some reason my mommy instincts are kicking in. ive never really liked kids, and for some reason i find myself preoccupied with the idea of having a family.  i know that im no where near ready to have a family, so dont worry. its just a strange feeling for me.

this whole moving out thing is really going to happen. it makes me nervous, but happy. im excited and im sure its supposed to happen. THANK THE LORD.

mmmm

yeah im really tired which is good since for some reason i have not been sleeping.

goodnight.

jgjghjghjg

wow what a day. today i had my meeting with pete. i pretty much dumped everything that happened in the last 5 months of my life, on him. hes a great person to talk to. anyways, today i told my parents my plan. they are very supportive and see where i am coming from and understand and even agree with me. it was good because i was really nervous that they would be hurt by my decision.

Goodness  I hope this works out. I think the three of us would be good for eachother. I think we could learn alot from eachother.

I think this is the right thing to do.

Decisions, Decisions…

To go to Italy, or to not go to Italy… THAT is the question.  Im looking in to getting an apartment with a few people. Im not dropping out of school or anything… not even putting school on hold. I just feel like… Im not going to understand the importance and urgency of getting an education unless im on my own, paying my own bills, with no one to depend on besides myself. For some reason, this is how I operate, and… instead of sluggishly finishing school … just skating by…. i wanna be EXCITED by what im doing. Understand the importance of it. may sound silly to some people, but as long as im under my parents roof, im not going to learn to depend on myself. i love them for everything they do for me, and i do appreciate it sooooo much. i just… need to not have that. stand on my own two feet. and i need to do it now, before i ruin myself. this weekend im going to sit them down and explain it to them. hopefully they will understand where i am coming from. ultimitely, it doesnt really matter… because the decision is about % made, and only God will be able to change my mind at this point.

of course this means i wont be able to go to Italy without a generous sponsor… which i probably wont find.

who knows? if im supposed to go, ill go. if not… i wont.

all i know, is i have a lot of prayin to do.

Anyways, i need to find a job…. and an apartment….

more than anything…

ok well maybe not more than anything… but more than a lot of things, i wish that i could write songs. this, however, doesnt stop me from writing really crappy songs. but i like them. not because they are good, but because they are mine. yeah whats my point? i dont really have one so youre gonna have to deal with it.

im just a big ball of…. ?????????

i dont know what i want to do. what im supposed to do. about anything. today was such a frustrating day, in general and i dont even know why. just one of those days where it feels like my insides are in a soundproof room, screaming as loud as they can…. but cant break through the barrier of muscle, bone and skin. i hate this feeling. and i honestly dont know how to stop it from comingon.

american idol was good tonight. the girls were awesome. only the black ones and the mixed ones can sing though… except for the one girl who sang “all by myself” i think the song was a little too big for her, but i like that she has power in her voice. the one whos from philly has a different sounding voice… but she shouldnt make it too far. aaaaaaaaanyway.

other than that, today was pretty much allaround crappy. sometimes i wish this thing was private so that i could write what i truly wanted… but thats what my written journal is for, i guess. i dont want people thinking im all depressed and getting worried and everything.

im fine.

ahh

about 98% of the time, I dont know what God is doing. I feel… lost… but comfortable in knowing that as long as I am running after Him, Ill somehow run into His will for my life. Im excited. ldjflkasdjf. But I dont knwo what Im excited about. Hes been leading me to all of these verses saying to trust in Him, and use what He has given me and that He will help me. Its cool. He is answering me. But, I dont yet kjnow what Im going to do. I do know that He will lead me through.

“So long to status quo

I think Ill just let go

You make me wanna be brave.

The way it always was

Is no longer good enough

You make me wanna be brave”

i dont know

why it is hard for me to be in a routine. for things to be stable. i hate it. i want something more exciting!!

sdjfklajsdfkljasdkfljasdklfjadskljfaskldfjkdkkd.

im slightly frustrated.

I know I know…

Its been so long since ive written in here!

well… youd all be glad to know that nothing has really changed. i had a child psychopathology test today… it was … ok i guess. it was a take home essay… and ended up being 7 pages long. yeah. didnt count on that one coming. the part that was in class, she waited until the END of class to give to us. after we learned all of this new material. it was frustrating, but shes so sweet its hard to resent her for it.

anyway… what else?

i believe that D and I are reinstating girls night. WHOO! wednesday nights are now going to be filled with, bagel bites, soft stix, possible top model-esque photo shoots, and… most importantly… LOST. I must say, hearing that they want to wrap it up in a few seasons or so, has rekindled my interest! I see the light at the end of the tunnel… and its wonderful.

um what else?

nothing else.

Im able to go to Italy. I have the money. strange how God provides. and awesome.

im starting my job “officially” on saturday. im like… not training anymore. im so excited. i really love the girls and… yeah.

well, thats all for now… i must print out some stuff and then hopefully by the time im done that, D will be out of class and we will be off to fingerfood heaven in no time!