wow.

and the rest of my weekend was awesome too.

I hung out with Mario in the park yesterday, and we played guitar and ate wawa. It was awesome.

True Life (the college ministry Im a part of) last night was amazing for me. For the first time in a while, I felt free. (this was at the end, after the message) I didnt realize that I hadnt forgiven myself for certain things I have done in the past. God lifted those things right off of me. And I was free. it was the most increadible feeling. Theres nothing I love more in thos world, than praising my Jesus. True Life next week is going to be awesome. I wonder if I should tell pastor Peter about the dream I had in March… because I think it had a lot to do with True Life ministries. 

Anyway, thats all. I had an awesome weekend and now I have to go back to class. Not. Cool.

the last 27.5 hours or so were awesome.

these included:

trying to get a met card.

successfully making a deliciious subway sandwich (i hate subway, because i can never make a good sandwich… i always choose the wrong combination of cheese, bread and sause, resulting in a disgusting sandwich. not this time!)

karaoke until 4am, followed by mcdonalds.

meeting/loving a guy named ken dolly 

sea lions. 

mac and cheese.

it was basically awesome. im so glad i made it up there, although my money situation was made much tighter due to insane demands of a crazy bride i know. 94 freaking dollars a year early. you gotta be kidding me.

askjdfhkjasdhfkjhasdfhkjasdhfkjahsdfjhaskjdfhkjashdfkjasdfooiuweriuwerywoeirjkwernksdnf.

…and im not who i was 24 hours ago…

I wrote a song today.

It’s my first song. like, with chords, two verses, a chorus and a bridgeish thing.

Its easy to write, when Im in the park. me, and the things God created. I feel closest to Him there.

So I wrote a song, called “Closer Than We Are” I wonder if a song with that title already exists… because after I wrote it, I felt like ive heard it before. Anyway, its about being homesick, which I feel quite often. It also could be interpreted as a loved one passing away, but its not the angle I was writing in.

Anyway, I still cant play it the way that I hear it in my head. That will come with time, Im sure.

How does this work?

how is it, that two months ago, I decided to not date. and now i find myself accidently dating people.

its just … boys are too smooth these days!! “what are you doin wednesday?” “nothin” “why dont you let me take you out” “oksuresoundsgood”

ahhhhhh. ok so i guess my inability to say no to perfectly nice boys will be the end of me. its not that i WANT to say no… but this wasnt my plan! my plan is to get straight with God. And seek his guidence in everything. 

This is what Im doing, and now hes brought me 5 million people interested in dating all of a sudden. he KNOWS i like boys. he KNOWS i dont like to reject people. he KNOWS it. so why is he doin this?? maybe he wants me to date. lol.

So, what do I do??

(on a later occasion i will elaborate on these boys.)

whoa ho ho!!!

its been a while, hasnt it my sugar babies??

why yes, it has. everything is going wonderfully. God answers in many wonderful ways. I was lead to an absolutely awesome ministry called True Life. It was exactly what I was looking for. The people are absolutely the sweetest of all, and its just this cozy feeling when you walk through the door.

So tonight was weird. Don came over. It was … I dont know. emotional. I didnt cry in front of him though. I think i did a really good job of hiding it. Its not that I still am in love with him, or I still want to be with him because believe me, I dont. Its just… I dont know. Its sad that I put all my eggs in his basket. Im disappointed in myself, and in a way I still havent forgiven myself. And I havent forgiven him either. Completely.

Ahh well, that doesnt mean I dont want the best for him because I do. I hope he is happy doing what he does. I hope he finds faith. I hope he finds everything he is looking for.