This Weekend.

You know, this weekend kind of started off badly. Thursday was terrible for me. No one knew it, and I dont exactly know WHY it was so hard for me. It was one of those days where I took everything that was said to me, personally. I was supersensitive, and I hate being like that. But, then again, what do you do when someone you love makes you feel like crap? And has no idea? Well, I was frustrated because maybe if they opened their eyes a little they would see how what he/she was affecting me. I hate feeling like I have to answer to people. I hate knowing that people who think they know me, really dont. at all. It annoys me that they think they know me, and speak like they know me, and are wrong. But is it their fault they are wrong? or is it mine for not letting them in? I just cant let people in. I dont know why, but I hate letting people know how I feel. I dont like people thinking ANYTHING of me. good or bad. I would just rather not be noticed. I think Im just tired of being here. Im tired of this atmosphere. I feel like i cheated myself out of … i dont know. I just cheated myself. I dont know why I do it, but I do. I dig myself holes, just to see if and how I get out of them. Its frustrating. And its a cycle that seems impossible for me to break.

Anyway, the retreat I went on with my mom was absolutely awesome. It was exactly what I needed. The speakers were simple, they were funny, they were annointed. It was amazing. There was a lot of worship, a lot of prayer, and a lot of people were saved. There is no place I am happier in, than my church. The spirit was moving. It was amazing. I need to get the guts to go to God with the things I need to go to him with. Im having a hard time with, basically only 2 major things that I want to change. But I feel like part of me doesnt want to change, and that makes me mad. Its just so hard right now, and I know that Im not perfect, and I dont expect myself to be. But mistakes are one thing, and premeditation is another. I need to get it together.
I have never, ever put my 100% in to anything, besides karate. Ever. Never school, relationships, even friendships. I hate that about myself. What is keeping me from putting forth as much effort as possible?

Anyways. That was my weekend. It ended up good. but now Im back here. I hate it here, to be honest. But I feel like by not liking it, I am taking it for granted so I feel guilty for not liking it.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH sorry for a confusing and sometimes vague entry.
Just pray for me.

so…

Im feeling led to go on a missions trip. Africa. Sounds crazy, I know. But God is sending me signs to do this that I cant keep ignoring. Apparently, Christine has been feeling the same way.

I Dont know if im strong enough…. 

But, I think that he thinks I am.

I will keep praying about it. If this is his will, Ill do it. Wow.

um. this creep has a soundtrack!!

or at least a song!! Its basically about fantasizing about someone, who doesnt know you exist. its a great song, so dl it if you wanna!

Hum Along – Ludo

You’ll never hear this song
You’ll never see the movie in my head
But you infest my sleep, and your figure creeps
Through my walls and hums above my bed
I know your name, and that you’re photogenic and tall
But I’ve never heard you talk
And there’s something about you
That stabs me right through

It isn’t right for me to paint your picture
Every night, but I do (I can­t find sleep)
And it feels so wrong (I breathe too deep), to sing this song (into the sky)
But maybe (as I walk and sing), somehow, you’ll hear me (you’ll hear a song)
And hum along
You’ll hum along, you’ll hum along, you’ll hum along

And I’ve only seen you once, at your graduation
No cinematic glow or soft rock soundtrack
And I watched you move and breathe and cry
And it felt so wrong
It isn’t right for me to paint your picture
Every night, but I do (I can­t find sleep)
And it feels so wrong (I breathe too deep), to sing this song (into the sky)
But maybe (as I walk and sing), somehow, you’ll hear me (you’ll hear a song)
And hum along
You’ll hum along, you’ll hum along, you’ll hum along

Maybe you’d be kidnapped by pirates
And they would take you to their hideout
As pirates often do
But I’d find the secret map
And I would vigilante-bushwhack
Through the jungles of Peru

Just to save you and I’d take you north to Mexico
Where you would tell me your life story on the steps of a Mayan temple
Where we’d camp singing nonsense songs in 12 bars to the jaguars, until you’d sense me
Your eyes convincing, and I would kiss you like a hero in the half-light
Dryer sheets and peach shampoo, the smell of palm leaves, I’d sleep against you
Until the natives found us, but they would crown us king and queen
And we could stay there, spend our days there, eating guava by the sea
And I could understand your views and you could fall in love with me

And while the silly human race talks to droids in outer-space
We grow old and laugh about this song
And between the jungle and the stars, you sing nonsense songs in 12 bars to me
And in my sleep I hum along

You’ll never hear this song, Youll never see the movie in my head

Last Night…

Was great!!  There was ACTUALLY movement on this campus!! There was a block party type thing, with food and music and basketball and football and games and stuff. Pretty much everyone who lived in the dorms, was outside! It was awesome. I stayed out there for a while, shooting around with Jean and Tonya, and I almost won the first free-throw competition. Then I jumproped. lol. Then carl came out and he taught me how to punt a football. It was helpful.

OH! guess who was out there?? cute boy! it was exciting. except for, he left to play football with some people… but that was ok because I played football with kimmie K, arlene, liz, some girl from my spanish class, and ben. I made a touchdown and did a dance. Then I came back, and me and d and carl watched saw II. It was scary, but good. Ok, it wasnt really SCARY, as much as it was disturbing.

 Im not sure if I want to go home tonight, or tomorrow.

Good Mornin!!

Well, last night's girls night was really good last night! We watched the first 2 hours of King Kong, and reinacted some scenes.  If I could figure out how to get the pictures off of danielles camera on to my computer, I would post them.

I was T-Rex 

Danielle was anna

and nire was KONG!

It was sweet. Then we went outside and played volleyball with carl james and manny. We played a few games and then me and D played while carl, his roomate and manny made penises out of the sand, and nire thawed out her feet. lol. it was pretty funny though.

We never watched the rest of the movie, which im glad for because I was crying every time KONG did something nice for Ann. Its just so sad.

I think girls night was really good last night because we were all in good spirits, and just… nice. everyone was nice. lol. it was nice.

Tonight, we may watch Saw II. whoo hoo! um what else. OH I got a job as an Owl Ambassador! Basically I give tours and talk about the campus and stuff. Im quite excited about it, because it seems easy and doesnt pay horribly. whoo hoo. maybe I can even get a second job, depending on the hours I get over the summer! sweeeeeeet.

Soon End In Joy.

He is and has always been such a huge part of me.  I have been struggling lately, and I couldnt really put my finger on why. Its like I never feel like Im enough, and I very easily let that discourage me.  I feel as if I dont read enough, pray enough, praise enough, I dont witness at all… even though I have my own views on witnessing to people.

Anyway, some afternoons I spend with God, I find myself crying (not out of sadness, it is hard to explain) and praying for forgiveness. What almost always gets me to that point is music. Today, this song brought me to that point.

Something Beautiful

~Jars of Clay~

If you put your arms around me
Could it change the way I feel
I guess I let myself believe
That the outside might just
Bleed it’s way in
Maybe stir the sleeping past
Lying under glass
Waiting for the kiss
That breaks this awful spell
Pull me out…of this lonely cell

Close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal
Into something beautiful

What I get from my reflection
Isn’t what I thought I’d see
Give me reason to believe
Never keep me incomplete
Will you untie this loss of mine
It so easily defines me
Do you see it on my face?
And all I can think about
Is how long
I’ve been waiting to feel you move me

Close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal
Into something beautiful

Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful

And I’m still fighting for the
Word to break these chains
And I still pray when I look
In your eyes, you’ll stare right
Back down into something beautiful

Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful

It was the very last line that is bolded that struck me. Its exactly how I feel, but couldnt put it in to words.  Im afraid that I will never quite get it together, and basically spend my life trying to. But then I realize, thats not going to happen. This struggle of mine isnt going to last forever. I just have to figure out how to let go. I feel like this summer will have a lot to do with my growth, and I am excited for that.

Anyways, I just wanted to share that.

I know, I know…

I change my layout like 4 times a day… but I dont like any of these selections!! Is there a way I can just, make my own?

Anyways, nothing has happened yet today. At all. Sorry to write a completely useless and boring entry.

Little Bunny Foo-Foo, hoppin through the forest…

I think I want to write a book.

I dont know what it will be about, but I feel like I should write a book.  This should be interesting seeing as Im not a wonderful writer… I mean, im not a horrible writer, I dont know.

Any ideas on what I should write about?

It is an absolutely BEAUTIFUL day outside. It actually reminds me a lot of camp. There are things about summer that I really miss. I miss Tahsza and Mandy. I miss playing Eric one on one basketball. Camp Olympics, days off in the honesdale library. I miss dressing up for the socials. I miss making fun of Ranger Rick. Most of all, I miss my girls!!! They certainly were a handful, but they are sweet. I pray that God touches each and every one of their hearts, because they have so much to offer.

Dave Cherian got in touch with me the other day. We were good friends in high school… we met in chanticleers (the high school super select choir. more select than the select choir… lol) and he was a sweetheart. hes sensitive, like ryan… but hes not dramatic. I thought he was gay when I first met him, but hes not. Anyways, its been a while since weve talked, and so we are going to lunch on saturday. Im excited!! Because its been so long! We have to catch up!!!

Anyways, I think thats all for now. Also, I have decided not to talk to Don about what I wanted to talk to him about.  For once, Im gonna let HIM bring something up… ya know? And Im aware that he probably wont ever bring it up, which isnt my problem. Im ok, and thats all that matters right now… its just so hard for me to stop being so concerned about how he feels, because thats what ive been doing for so long. Its hard, but its possible, and I feel like Im doin pretty well!! I really do.

Anyways, Pray for Nire today you random blog reader people…. she has an interview today, and really wants (and needs) this job. God bless!!

I cant wait until this summer… Its just on the horizon.

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Happy Easter!

Easter is my favorite holiday. Church was sweet. There were thousands of people at the service… (im not kidding. the sanctuary seats 2000, and there were people sitting in the aisles and on the floor in the back) The sermon was about doubting Thomas, and how everyones like him and such and such. It was cool. Many people were saved today, it was awesome.
So im pretty much done thinking.
Im done playing games, because i have figured out that i cant handle it when i lose, and i cant handle it when i win. figures, right?
once again, I just need to give it to God. I was fine until I started trying to deal with it myself. Now Im just… dumb.
So here you go God. I dont know what exactly it is that you want for me, but I certainly know that its not him… or at least its not him in this decade… ha.
whatever.
im fine. anyways… i have figured out that since danielle just turned 21, this means im probably going to be spending the remainder of the semester by myself.
Im ok.
Nire proposed an interesting idea to me today… I wish I were more responsible! Who knows though, maybe next summer/fall she will need a roomie, hopefully I will have money saved up, and we ALL KNOW how much I want to live in NYC!!! Maybe Ill get a job up there…who knows!
Its God's will!!